This post contains explicit language and wicked humour, but justified, so if you are allergic to either, please read something else.
Go the Fuck to Sleep is a new potty-mouthed children’s book written by Adam Mansbach full of truth at one of parenting’s great frustrations, trying to get your children to fall asleep. The sense of humour is as wicked as the language and immediately became my favourite children’s book! To help give you an idea of the book, here is Samuel L. Jackson reading it from an Audible audiobook recording, with text below it for you to follow along or to print and read to your own kids.
GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP
written by Adam Mansbach, narrated by Samuel L. Jackson
The cats nestle close to their kittens now.
The lambs have laid down with the sheep.
You’re cozy and warm in your bed my dear.
Please, go the fuck to sleep!
The windows are dark in the town, child.
The whales huddle down in the deep.
I’ll read you one last book if you swear,
You’ll go the fuck to sleep!
The eagles who soar through the sky are at rest,
And the creatures who crawl, run and creep.
I know you’re not thirsty.
Lie the fuck down, my darling…
The wind whispers soft through the grass, hon.
The field mice, they make not a peep.
It’s been 38 minutes already!
Jesus Christ!! What the fuck???
Go! To!! SLEEP!!!
All the kids in daycare are in dreamland.
The froggie has made his last leap.
Hell, no! You can’t go to the bathroom!
You know where you can go?
The fuck to sleep!
The owls flies forth from the tree tops.
Through the air they soar and they sweep.
A hot crimson rage fills my heart, love.
For real, shut the fuck up!
The cubs and the lions are snoring,
Wrapped in a big snuggly heap.
How come you can do all this other great shit,
But you can’t lie the fuck down and sleep???
The seeds slumber beneath the Earth now,
And the crops that the farmers will reap.
No more questions!
This interview’s over!
I’ve got two words for you kid!!
The tiger reclines in the simmering jungle,
The sparrow has silenced her cheep.
Fuck your stuffed bear!
I’m not getting you shit!!
Close your eyes!
Cut the crap!!
The flowers doze low in the meadows,
And high on the mountains so steep.
My life is a failure!
I’m a shitty ass Parent!
Stop fucking with me, please!!
The giant pangolins of Madagascar are snoozing,
As I lie here and openly weep!
Sure! Fine!! Whatever!!!
I’ll bring you some milk!
Who the fuck cares???
You’re not gonna sleep!
This room is all I can remember,
The furniture, crappy and cheap.
You run down the hall!
As I nod the fouck off…
Bleary and dazed, I awaken,
To find your eyes shut so I keep
My fingers crossed tight…
As I tip toe away…
That you’re fucking asleep.
We’re finally watching our movie.
Popcorn’s in the microwave…
You’ve got to be kidding!!!
Go the FUCK back to sleep!!!
This recording and such isn’t that new at this point, but seriously, can you see a YouTube video contest of people recording their own versions of this to try to outdo one another on reading style? I’d love to see a whole bunch of reading styles of this, accents and all! That’d be hilarious!
And who wants to put this to lyrics now???
By the way, it’s a good thing they got someone “credible” like Samuel L. Jackson to read this book. A lot of other “nobodies” doing this and half the planet would probably trash it as ghetto humour. But that’s how life works, kids!