Canadian Olympic Torch Needed Viagra

UPDATE:
At the Closing Ceremonies, an impromptu adjustment was made so that it started out with a mime fixing the fourth torch that did not come up in the Opening Ceremonies… and Catriona LeMay Doan got to light it!

You gotta love that about us Canadians. We can make fun of ourselves like nobody else. And we believe in second chances. That’s what makes us so lovable! 🙂

———————————————————-

At the end of the 2010 Vancouver Winter Olympics opening ceremonies, four torches were supposed to have come up, but the hydraulics broke and only three did. That’s not a metaphor to set up the joke, my friends. The hydraulics really broke!

How embarrassing! The world was watching and we couldn’t get it up!

Where was the Viagra when you need it?

Let the jokes begin!

For the record, Rick Hansen, Catriona LeMay Doan, Steve Nash, Nancy Greene and Wayne Gretzky were the final carriers, in that order. All but Rick Hansen were supposed to have lit a torch. But because one torch did not rise to the occasion, Catriona LeMay Doan was left standing.

She sure looked pretty with the torch in hand, though. 😉

Share/Bookmark

Some Lyrics for Singing Voice Mail Messages

I had written these “voice mail songs” many years ago, when I used to live in Vancouver and we only had answering machines. It was also when I didn’t have to worry about getting “professionals” calling me. If you might have to worry about that, I highly recommend you don’t use these and just enjoy them. The singing messages are about 30 seconds long to sing, which is long for a voice mail, but that’s these lyrics’ “price” of fun. That’s why I recommend no intros, despite some being written as first verses of the songs where you could have the intros.

I sang these lyrics into my answering machines with the real music playing in the background, loud enough so you had the tune, but not nearly loud enough to overpower my voice. Given the recording quality of answering machines then, it was as good as poorly recorded karaoke. That technique can still work today, but given all the tech out there for karoake YouTube videos and recording features right on the cell phones and computers, try recording using the karoake links below with your cell phone or computer recording feature.

Or just record singing solo, unaccompanied.

.

Mr Grinch, from the original Dr Seuss Christmas special

This is most appropriate for December, or whenever you feel is appropriate to start having the Christmas theme in your life. However, I don’t think it has to be for December or Christmas. For singing purposes, it is the part from 1:25 in the video below. In the lyrics of the real song in the video link below the lyrics to the karaoke version, it’s the verse that starts with You’re a foul one, Mr Grinch.

Don’t hang up please, like the Grinch,
Leave a message, it’s a cinch!
Leave your number and your name,
And a message if you’re game,
It’s a cin-inch!
The three words that best describe when
Are as follows, and I quote:
“At! The! Beep!”

Mr Grinch Karoake Link to YouTube

.

Somethin’ Stupid, by Frank and Nancy Sinatra

This is meant to be recorded straight up from the beginning. To keep your message as short as possible, though, I would recommend skipping the intro and starting at 0:11 of the video below (or the equivalent in the karoaoke video link below the lyrics).

Hello, my friend, you’ve reached (two-syllable name)
But I’m not home to get the phone
And chit-chat with you.
But if you leave a message then, I’m sure that when
I’m home I’ll get in touch with you.
So at the beep please leave your name and number
And why you called me so I won’t be blue.
And then hang up so when I’m home
I’ll know you called and I’ll make sure
I call you…
(I’ll call you –
like at the end of the song)

Somethin’ Stupid Karaoke Link to YouTube

.

Rainy Day Women #12 & 35, by Bob Dylan

This one I would absolutely recommend skippping the intro cause it’s 35 seconds long and people will hang up before then, wondering what the heck that music is all about, including if they’ve dialed the correct number. I don’t care if there’s auto-dial these days. They’ll recheck, or think they hit the wrong auto-dial. You’ll have wasted their time, and if it’s long distance, their money. So start at 0:31 or so of the video for a brief lead-in, or the equivalent spot on the karoake video link.

They’ll phone ya when you’re tryin’ to have some fun,
They’ll phone ya when your mind is out to lunch,
They’ll phone ya when you’re tryin’ to make a buck,
They’ll phone ya when you’re tryin’ to get a (beep!),
But never will they phone when you’re at home!
(That’s when) Everybody should get phoned!

Rainy Day Women #12 & 35 Karaoke Link to YouTube

.

Games that Lovers Play, by Connie Francis

I think Wayne Newton has the more famous version of this song, but I was not able to find it on YouTube. However, composer James Last wrote it for Connie Francis, specifically, so this is the original version. The intro is pretty short, but I would still skip it and start at 0:09 of the video below. Unfortunately, I was not able to find a karoake link. If you can find either the Wayne Newton version or karoake link, please do share. Thanks!

There are games that many foolish callers play,
Like how some don’t leave a message come what may,
Never caring who gets hurt along the way,
Let’s not play those games that callers play.

No karoake link was found for Games that Lovers Play

.
Share/Bookmark

Why Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart Might Break Up

Just a little humour today, folks, at the expense of Twilight and New Moon co-stars Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart. Supposedly, the two are currently dating each other at the time of this post.

The photo below was from some photoshoot done by the two stars. I added the captions.

.

Why Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart Might Break Up

.

Of course, Robert and Kristen are commenting on those new shoes Kristen just bought. 😉

For the love of God, people, do NOT take pictures like this!

Imagine showing your pictures to the kids and grandkids when they’re young, where you’re generally smiling and looking at the camera in the others. Then this comes up and they’ll be like “Mommy and Daddy, what are you looking at?”

There is a classic pose something like this, but the subjects are supposed to be looking down and off to the front, not at each other’s gender identifiers! And not with the critical looks on their faces like Robert Pattinson has. Kristen’s criticizing with more class, but I like the smirk on her face, too. 🙂

I couldn’t help it but add the captions.

But hey, don’t get the hate on me, K? Look at all the Twilight stuff I’ve created for the fans. There’s more coming, you can bet on that.

Before I leave the topic of Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart dating, though, how’s about taking a few polls? Thanks!

Share/Bookmark

.

.

Ten Tips To Better Tweeting

Twitter Logos

If your ADHD from Twitter has progressed beyond reading paragraphs, here are the ten tips to better personal tweeting in point form, without elaboration so you’ll have to figure it out:

  • Tweet in the third person
  • Be positive
  • Practice humour
  • Two tweet jokes
  • Don’t advertise
  • Ask questions
  • Gigantic concepts and miniscule details
  • Nothing like feelings
  • Use interesting words
  • WTF

Share/Save/Bookmark

I’ve been looking into a lot of tweets for a few months now and, to be frank, there wasn’t all that much to keep my interest. People and their lives just aren’t that interesting from what comes across. Even the people you think would be interesting aren’t that interesting. Or is it because they don’t know how to convey it? And if they’re like that, think of what the more “normal” people tweet. Yeah, you know the ones I’m talking about. Many of your friends, my friends, me, and very possibly you.

But if you need to tweet, at least put some effort into all that phoniness associated with Twittering, would you? Use it to improve your writing skills, story telling skills, sense of humour. Use it as motivation to actually do something interesting with your life so you could tweet it without having to try any of those other things. Use it to spread good energy. There’s a lot of potential in tweeting for real life skills improvements and value, if only people would embrace the thought rather than drown in all this shallowness associated with tweeting. You don’t have to “fake” your tweets in doing all this. Just show a little flair people maybe don’t see much of from you, or at least not on the text side.

To help these boring tweeters you know improve their tweets, I have created ten tips for better tweeting. These aren’t meant to be the greatest or best tips or anything, in no particular order. They are just ten I came up with which I know helps. However, let’s start with a tip zero, which is getting over denial. You can’t solve a problem till you admit you have it. That’s why you’re going to send this to somebody, post it to their Facebook wall or something, right? I’m posting it to my own!

.

TWEET IN THE THIRD PERSON. There is so much “me” culture in Twitter it’s sickening. Talk about yourself in the third person the way someone would read that tweet. Ban the “I” word. Starting with a verb is also a good thing because it’s action-oriented.

Tweeterbird is singing the sweetest song heard.

I’m singing the sweetest song heard just sounds a lot vainer.

.

BE POSITIVE! You’d be surprised how human negativity spread among people by any means, and how it builds up through self-affirmation like a tweet. If you need to self-affirm, do it in a way that doesn’t spread to everyone else! Also, telling the same message without the negativity is not only a challenge, it’s a nice way to look at the same problem through a better lens.

Tricycle got a flat tire today but still had three left (optional: If two out of three ain’t bad, then three out of four can’t be, either).

I don’t know about you, but I get a very different reaction seeing that rather than something like Can’t believe I got f#&$ing flat tire today!

.

PRACTICE HUMOUR. Humour can be the easiest way out of being negative, but it can also be the hardest thing to try to find something funny out of a bad incident. Just try writing something funny. It doesn’t have to be what you’re doing, just maybe what’s on your mind, or what came into your mind as you tried to think of something funny. You could develop your written sense of humour this way. You can think up things until you’re ready to tweet it. People might know that, but so what? You’re putting an effort into it… which is more than they can say of their tweets. Whether the attempt elicits a groan, smile or laugh, people will at least have a reaction, which is more than they can say of most tweets.

Punster‘s body is like Iraq after a 23 mile run… full of free radicals causing lots of pain and suffering.

If someone doesn’t get it, it might intrigue them enough to ask you about it rather than reading about your body hurting after such a long marathon training run if you plainly tweeted it that way.

.

TWO TWEET JOKES. Good jokes are often set’em up, knock’em down affairs. Not these long drawn out stories. So find some and share them. Ask something in the morning. Let your followers think, or just plant the thought in the back of their heads so when they get the punchline later in the day, they’ll remember and get it, have a good laugh and release. Tension and release is something quite often referred to in music, but this is the same idea. Your followers can try to finish your jokes , and they might (which means you’ve engaged them), but you ultimately hold the answer for all your other followers who will be waiting for it.

NovaScotian How many Newfies does it take to have an orgy?
NovaScotian Just one, though more than two hands would make it a better orgy.

Don’t ask. I just made it up on the spot. If you also find you don’t have enough jokes, well, take it as a sign to get some more for the next party you attend.

.

DON’T ADVERTISE. If you’re trying to sell something, chances are your friends already know about it. I don’t care whether that’s Avon or chocolate or otherwise, aside from the occasional special event, I’d tolerate one tweet about it. Any more and I’m buzzing you out for good! You didn’t get into Twitter for commercials, do you think they did?

.

ASK QUESTIONS. If you learn something new, share it by asking a question? You can ask with the answer in the question, or create suspense by asking the question and answering later. The latter is good for when the question is too long.

Socialstudies Did you know ears makes noises of its own, albeit at a level only detectable by supersensitive microphones?

Socialstudies Do you know what the NSFM policy for Internet posting is?
Socialstudies Not Safe For Mom. Don’t post anything not safe if Mom ever saw it.

If you’re ever short on ideas, may I introduce you to the Social Studies column in the Canadian national newspaper, the Globe & Mail. It is written by Michael Kesterton and is exactly what it says it is, a daily miscellany of information. It is my favourite week daily reading by far and has been for many years! The username is fictitious. Questions about details in your life could also be fun, although it might sound vain after a while. Still, imagine if you did one of those 25 Things about You Facebook memes one tweet at a time!

.

GIGANTIC CONCEPTS & miniscule details. Can you think big? Can you think philosophically? Give your followers something to ponder for a while? Or give them a chance to be smart and tweet back an answer. But maybe you’re one of those types who has an eye, ear or other awarenessfor detail. Can you describe it?

Burncock If a tweet goes unread, does anybody hear?
RockingRobin
is listening to old skool tweeting of nightingales. Tweet! Tweet!

The first is actually a very practical rather than useless philosophical question. The username is not meant to be offensive, but is a play on the spelling of Bruce Cockburn‘s (pronounced KO-burn) last name. He is the writer of the referenced phrase, If a tree falls in the forest, does anybody hear? from the song If a Tree Falls, in 1989. I’ve been fortunate to have met Bruce in the summer of 2008 and he’s a very nice and candid guy. The second is a nice thought to me rummaging through hundreds of techno-tweets.

.

Nothing like feelings. Add some feelings to whatever it is you tweet to humanize the tweets. Like being positive, feelings are contagious so keep it to the good ones. Feelings can also liven what is otherwise a mundane tweet.

Gogetter is peeing with a passionne.

I would have enjoyed that tweet over one that said is peeing. Would you?

.

USE INTERESTING WORDS. Why think big concepts and notice little details when you can conceptualize gigantic concepts and be aware of miniscule minutaie to expand yours and your followers’ lexicon?

Wordwatcher believes in kaizen, gestalt and arete rather than religion.

Kaizen (the art of constant self-improvement), gestalt (a total greater than the sum of its parts) and arete (excellence in the fulfillment of purpose of function) are three of my favourite words, as well as my spirituality.

.

WTF TWEET. If you’re not familiar with the acronym WTF, it stands for What the f*ck and is used when you’re wanting to express that reaction and question in Internet or chat jargon. Every once in a while, throw one in out of the blue. See if anybody asks.

Machoman is putting on a tutu & prancing about… “I could have danced, all night, I could have danced, all night, and still, have begged, for more!”

I just used this one the other day. The reference was to little 10 year old Hollie Steel, by whom I was amazed and had blogged about recently.

.

Got any interesting tweeting twips two share?

Please do in a comment below!

Flesch-Kincaid Grade Reading Level: 6.7

Share/Save/Bookmark