On June 6th, 2020, as we were just coming out of wave 1 of the COVID-19 pandemic with a decent amount of lockdown, I surprised my Facebook world by entering a relationship. The surprise was not only due to the timing, when nobody was still really supposed to be seeing others, but that the eternal bachelor from being undesired by women this racially conservative province had found someone! What I didn’t tell them, though, was with whom, and that it was fake, and that I did it for them.
It’s also a zinsta. If you didn’t know what that is, like WordPress’ spellcheck didn’t, and everybody else didn’t, it’s an Instagram account with zero followers, and is following nobody. Zilch. And still zilch after 100 posts as of today.
It’s so sad that the first thought I had when I heard of Donald Trump’s COVID-19 diagnosis was that it was a convenient lie to bolster many of his agendas, his own “fake news”, if you will. What’s sadder, though, is that we have not only someone willing and capable of doing this, but that someone is leading the United States of America. Furthermore, what’s saddest is that it is to try and usurp one of our most cherished institutions – democracy.
So what has the farting Trumpeter got to gain by faking a COVID-19 diagnosis? Let me count the ways:
Richard Heene wants fame? Let’s give it to him, full force, infamy style! He chose to attain his fame via infamy, not being talented, smart, patient, determined, charismatic and/or hard-working enough to do it any other way. So let’s give him everything he deserves rather than jail time, though make him pay for all the taxpayer money lost.
The Balloon Boy debacle is now considered a hoax, as I suspected Friday, along with many others, I’m sure. Charges are possible next week (Oct 25) against Richard Heene, who shamelessly concocted the lost boy in the weather balloon incident involving his 6 year old son Falcon, for this publicity stunt. It’s not Richard’s first failure to get fame, but let’s make it this manic obsessive’s last… as well as deter others disillusioned about getting fame via infamy at the public’s expense. If they want to do it at their own expense, they can go for it, for all I care.
For Richard Heene, though, let’s give him so much fame he will puke like Falcon did in the camera lights of the interviews last Friday. Let’s make Richard so sick of fame he’ll become a recluse for the remainder of his life! We don’t need criminal charges to put this guy in jail on taxpayer’s money for the next six years, which he could face pending the charges laid. Let him lay tiles for life, earning his living the way he is right now. The debt from this stunt should keep him busy for years to come. It should only cost over hundred thousand dollars of taxpayers’ money, after all the prosecution fees and law enforcement officer work times. But it will be an effective deterrent to keep him from ever doing this again, or others ass-piring.
So let’s bring on the paparazzi! This guy’s no flash in the pan. He’ll be in the news for a while. Who’s ever heard of a fast prosecution? And he’ll be whining and flip-flopping his personality between a macho storm chaser and besieged wimp as things drag on, unable to keep his mouth shut despite the advice of his lawyer. People will still want to hear what he has to say about it all for a while. So who’s tweeting for a flash mob of paparazzi to stalk Richard on his lawn or wherever he might be spotted? Or drive beside him wherever he drives, snapping pictures as they go? Make it impossible for him to go to Wal-mart or get groceries at the local store, though let him have some peace when he visits his kids they might take away from him cause the kids don’t deserve it.
Isn’t the National Enquirer or Perez Hilton going to have a contest for the craziest Richard Heene story or something? The guy’s pretty well known by now, and he’s done something stupid. Worse, what he did was stupid and expensive, with money and resources that didn’t belong to him. Hey, at least what Kanye West did to Taylor Swift at the VMA 2009 didn’t cost anything out of the taxpayers’ pockets. Let’s get some fair treatment for the infamous and give Richard his proper due, eh? Make him beg for jail to get away from it all! It’ll be good for the economy with all those magazines sold and stories told to tabloids and sites like Gawker (by 25 year old Robert Thomas). Who cares if it’s someone else possibly preying on him for a little cash and some short fame? It’s part of being famous!
On another front, Richard was answering questions by email before last Saturday when he was overwhelmed and said said he’d take questions on paper in a box to answer Saturday night. What ever happened to that? Anyway, spam his email like crazy knowing it’s out there and he’s famous!
Heene also seems to have abandoned his MySpace page from 2005, possibly from having garnered only 7 friends, one of whom being “Tom”, everybody’s default first friend on MySpace. Ah, yes. Now we know why the fame was so elusive and the strength of the desire to obtain it. Go write what you think of him on his Comments page, or write a blog post like I am, or create yet another Facebook group or page dissing him. Make it all part of his Internet “legacy”.
Oh, while on Internet “legacies”, my condolences for any other “Richard Heene” out there. It’s so unfair to have your name hijacked like that. But look on the bright side. At least you can now misbehave a little bit more online and no one will likely notice. That’s because the Richard Heene Internet legacy is one populated by the Balloon Dad Richard Heene, and it’s a legacy that’s getting uglier by the second. That includes stuff from long before this balloon stunt, which only confirms the running public opinion, like this blog post by Stuff Frank Finds Funny on September 13 2008. I quote:
(Richard Heene) is an amazingly creative human (now turned mad scientist) who insists on repeatedly proving that there is a very fine line between genius and insanity.
You’ve proved at least, that, Richard! Too bad you did it by elimination in showing the insanity side. But that’s what you get for doing science without knowing your science.
So I say in a less conventional way than criminal prosecution, Let’s get Balloon Dad!
Bring your own pitchfork. I’ve got mine the way Stephen Colbert’s got his in the picture above. Do you?
p.s. I did not intend to offend anyone with this tirade, just Richard Heene, so my sincere apologies if you were offended.
Flesch-Kincaid Grade Reading Level: 6.5
(about the level sufficient for Richard Heene to comprehend, although I haven’t known any sixth or seventh grader who’s done anything so dumb)
How do I know Richard Heene is dumb?
How can you be smart and name your son Falcon only to put him in a balloon to fly?
Falcons fly on their own!
Or didn’t Richard know that?
Oh, right. He’s an amateur scientist wannabe.
I forgot. I’m sorry. My mistake and I admit it. Hint, hint, Richard.