In a what might have been a staged accident today, the Canadian Navy left one of its submarines out to dry for all to see in Halifax Harbour. Naturally, this prompted natural questions of curiosity from the general public and media sources because military submarines aren’t usually put on display completely out of water. When asked, nobody in the Canadian Navy was willing to go on record to comment. However, a few Seaman not authorized to talk about the issue were willing to share this exclusive information in exchange for some real food.
Supposedly, what we had seen was a prototype of a new Canadian Navy Zero Emissions Submarine. That’s correct in what they said. Zero emissions!
The Zero Emission Submarine is something the Canadian Navy is extremely proud of because it will once and for all demonstrate the Canadian Navy submarine fleet’s technological supremacy over the Disney World submarine fleet.
“Just one fart from Mickey Mouse produces an infinitely more CO2 and other greenhouse gases than this EcoSub ever will!” — the unnamed naval informant declared with glee before letting one go himself.
However, the Disney World Submarine Fleet strongly disputed the claim of the Zero Emission Submarine to be false. Admiral Duck iTwittered yours truly during my run to get a wider angle photo of the platform on which the “EcoSub” rested to confirm their suspicion of how the EcoSub worked.
According to Disney World, the only way the Zero Emissions Submarine could be that way is because it is being transported by the Dockwise platform on which it is shown in the picture. That said, Disney did concede another possibility the EcoSub had zero emissions is because the sub actually can’t go anywhere on its own, though not missing the opportunity to point out its submarines actually go somewhere. Still, Disney said the implication this was a functional submarine with zero emissions was misleading, though it is envious of the Canadian Navy marketing machine.
“We have internal sources within the Canadian Navy that tell us the exposure of the submarine was a real accident. We also believe a second submarine in the gap in the picture also fell overboard. Finally, we believe there was even a further gaffe in trying to cover up the accidental exposure, which failed when the Captain ordered the sub to dive and couldn’t figure out why it did not for over two hours. That the Canadian Navy were able to spin it into an environmental story with the concept of an EcoSub, without so much as lying one word, was brilliant! I don’t know if we could have come up with anything close to such a story, for all the marketing and spin that Disney is known for. We need to send in Jack Sparrow to do some head hunting there… in the non-violent, metaphorical sense, of course.”
No matter which story you believe to be true, some combination thereof, or neither, there’s no doubting a Navy with as much negative press as it has had with the debacle of its submarine purchases could hardly afford to put its submarines on display like it did today, having to be carried away on another ship.