Why Women Should Marry Taller Men and Kiss Them Lots

Cytomegalovirus

Cytomegalovirus

Warning and Disclaimer:
If you are new to kissing, you might not want to read this article or you might be forever traumatized with every kiss! Also, this is intended as commentary on women marrying men, not that women have to marry men. I just wasn’t going to write out a title like Why Women Wanting to Marry Men Should Mary Taller Men…

If Darwin wrote a romantic tragedy, it would be about a woman who chose to marry a man close to her height over one much taller, cause she preferred to be able to stand and see eye-to-eye with her mate rather than having to look up to him the way she did to Daddy when she was a child. However, during courtship, she would not receive enough of the Cytomegalovirus bug from him because without a height advantage, when he kissed her, his saliva that contained the Cytomegalovirus didn’t flow enough into her mouth to give her resistance or immunity to it. Then, when she was pregnant, she contracted Cytomegalovirus and it either killed her fetus or left her baby with bad birth defects.

Now, if that sounds like Shakespearean sci-fi to you, it isn’t! Though it’d be quite the literature genre!

Dr Colin Hendrie, a researcher from the University of Leeds, recently published in the journal Medical Hypotheses, that kissing’s evolutionary purpose was to spread this Cytomegalovirus from man to woman so she would have resistance or immunity to it during pregnancy down the road. (UK Telegraph, Oct 31 2009)

Cytomegalovirus resides in saliva and normally gives no trouble if a woman catches it. Think of it as a big like a flu bug. You can catch it many times, and get over it many times. However, Cytomegalovirus is extremely dangerous if caught during pregnancy, causing death or birth defects to the baby. Now, because Cytomegalovirus is in saliva, kissing is a way to catch it, but also a way to build resistance or immunity to it. Think of the kiss as a tiny flu shot, though the mechanisms of how both work aren’t anything alike. I say “tiny flu shot” because it only gives the woman a little bit of Cytomegalovirus to build up immunity. In that sense, a woman needs lots of kisses to build sufficient immunity against Cytomegalovirus during pregnancy. Dr Hendrie suggests six months’ of kissing the same person, though at no given frequency. It was not explained why it had to be the same person and I don’t know enough to say. Still, the take home message is to kiss your partner lots in the months before pregnancy, whether you’re the guy or girl needing to force the issue. Gives a whole new meaning to the song It’s in His Kiss, by Betty Everett (aka the Shoop Shoop song).

As for being with taller men, well, if he has to lean down to kiss a woman, gravity will allow more saliva to flow into her mouth as opposed to just kissing someone the same height so gravity can’t help with saliva flow. Yummy, eh?

kissing life

LIFE Magazine photo of sailor kissing girl after WWII

Now, that’s all good and dandy for the women who haven’t committed to a man. What about the women who aren’t with men much taller than them, or if at all? Do they need to be dumping their man? Worry not, ladies. All’s not lost. There’s no need to cause any hysteria here. Just follow some of these practical suggestions and you’ll be fine.

  1. Get your man to kiss you like the sailor in the picture.
    It’s quite the rush for both (and everybody will be looking at you like in the picture). You’ll also be calling him your “lover” soon, rather than “boyfriend”, “partner”, “husband” or any of those spiceless terms. I, for one, don’t have girlfriends and such, just “lovers”. That’s because I don’t look for girlfriends, just lovers.
    .
  2. Get lots of tongue while kissing.
    Tongue will definitely help transfer saliva, and doesn’t create as much of a scene as the maneuver in the picture at right.
    .
  3. The 10 Second Kiss.
    A popular strategy to keep your love alive, or reignite it, so that kisses don’t become routine and almost meaningless. Every kiss becomes a little moment of passion.
    .
  4. The 10 Second Tongue Kiss, with optional swooning maneuver.
    Combining #1, #2 and/or #3. This is my favourite, but I had to explain the components first.
    .
  5. Wet kisses.
    This is intentionally giving saliva, which is why I don’t like it. I prefer tongue as it feels more natural, and gives you one more muscle in your body. The 10 second kiss is also more natural. However, if you’re too shy to do #1-4, wet kisses will have to do. Just make sure you make contact on the lips first before delivering the saliva.
    .
  6. Don’t wear heels, or get him heels, whatever your fancy.
    If he’s not much taller than you, if at all, don’t wear heels often to lose the advantage, or at least most of the time when you’ll be kissing him. But if he’s got certain fetishes to be wearing heels, take advantage of it then!
    .

Now, most women don’t have to worry about having to resort to these tactics. In most Western countries, men are about 5 inches (13 cm) taller than women, on average (check your country’s stats). If any women might care at all, it would be the tall ones because not only are the number of men taller than them limited, but it also seems to me from my observation that the shortest women seem to have the tallest male partners… very roughly speaking. I’m thinking of women I know under 5’3″ (160 cm, because that is the Canadian average for women), with male partners, and all I can tell you they all have above average height male partners (over 5’9″ or 175 cm). Moreover, most of them have male partners above 6′ (182 cm), taking away potential taller partners for taller women. It’s almost as if these short women are trying to cover for their evolutionary deficiencies by trying to find a significantly taller guy so their children wouldn’t be so short! Seriously!

Now, I can empathize with the taller women who get robbed by these short chicks, cause I’m a short guy. Women don’t often date guys shorter than them. I don’t buy the romantic argument of height, or money, or various other factors “don’t matter”. Translated, it means whatever the deficiency is only doesn’t matter as long as it’s not extreme or there’s something else to compensate sufficiently well for it.

At 5’2.5″, only 1 in 100 guys are my height or shorter. I’m 1 in a 100, in other words, but not for favourable reasons here.

height distribution

Height Distribution Among US Men (from a neat height calculation exercise by CalSci, Canadian stats are basically the same as American)

Given this, and women tendencies not to date shorter men, and the shortest ones seeming to date the tallest ones, you tell me who I’m supposed to be dating?

Maybe I can call some of my tall single lady friends to go out for drinks and commiserate. 😉

But you can bet that when I find my girl, I’ll be doing the #4 on my lover! 😉
(10 second tongue kiss with swooning maneuver)

p.s. I also think kissing has another evolutionary purpose in that it is a show of affection. Couples not kissing a lot won’t be as affectionate as other couples, decreasing their chances of having off springs, or being successful at raising them, removing more of those off springs from the human race evolution because they had less chance for survival from poorer care of less committed parents. That’s speaking on the large overall statistics, of course, not individual cases where there would be lots of exceptions. However, I think there’d be far more cases that obey this theory to create such an aggregate outcome. It’s just human nature not to notice the norm but the exceptions.

Flesch-Kincaid Grade Reading Level: 7.6

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2 thoughts on “Why Women Should Marry Taller Men and Kiss Them Lots

  1. LOL, I have to say the on the web dating or electronic dating has come a very long way from the days of simple chat rooms. More and far more people are turning to on the web dating sites to screen likely dates.

    • People still lie on some of these sites, but there is a term called “human nature” to describe our tendency to have similar habits. These website programs are great to identify this sort of stuff from some solid theories that are generally more right than wrong. How much more right than wrong will affect their business but they’re usually pretty sound if they get anywhere with a decent base of people by the time a new person joins. Besides, if you believe what Scott Adams of the Dilbert comic says about humans, that “Nothing defines humans better than their willingness to do irrational things in the pursuit of phenomenally unlikely payoffs. This is the principle behind lotteries, dating and religion”, then a little help from a computer program is hardly irrational, as irrational as it may seem to get dating screening advice from a machine functioning on “yes” and “no”. 🙂

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