Canadian Navy Leaks Zero Emissions Eco-Submarine

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In a what might have been a staged accident today, the Canadian Navy left one of its submarines out to dry for all to see in Halifax Harbour. Naturally, this prompted natural questions of curiosity from the general public and media sources because military submarines aren’t usually put on display completely out of water. When asked, nobody in the Canadian Navy was willing to go on record to comment. However, a few Seaman not authorized to talk about the issue were willing to share this exclusive information in exchange for some real food.

Supposedly, what we had seen was a prototype of a new Canadian Navy Zero Emissions Submarine. That’s correct in what they said. Zero emissions!

A prototype of the Canadian Navy's Zero Emission Submarine

A prototype of the Canadian Navy's Zero Emission Submarine, Halifax Apr 06 2009 (click to enlarge)

The Zero Emission Submarine is something the Canadian Navy is extremely proud of because it will once and for all demonstrate the Canadian Navy submarine fleet’s technological supremacy over the Disney World submarine fleet.
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“Just one fart from Mickey Mouse produces an infinitely more CO2 and other greenhouse gases than this EcoSub ever will!” — the unnamed naval informant declared with glee before letting one go himself.
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However, the Disney World Submarine Fleet strongly disputed the claim of the Zero Emission Submarine to be false. Admiral Duck iTwittered yours truly during my run to get a wider angle photo of the platform on which the “EcoSub” rested to confirm their suspicion of how the EcoSub worked.

The mobile Dockwise ship platform on which the Canadian Navy EcoSub rested, Halifax Apr 06 2009 (click to enlarge)

The mobile Dockwise ship platform on which the Canadian Navy EcoSub rested, Halifax Apr 06 2009 (click to enlarge)

According to Disney World, the only way the Zero Emissions Submarine could be that way is because it is being transported by the Dockwise platform on which it is shown in the picture. That said, Disney did concede another possibility the EcoSub had zero emissions is because the sub actually can’t go anywhere on its own, though not missing the opportunity to point out its submarines actually go somewhere. Still, Disney said the implication this was a functional submarine with zero emissions was misleading, though it is envious of the Canadian Navy marketing machine.
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“We have internal sources within the Canadian Navy that tell us the exposure of the submarine was a real accident. We also believe a second submarine in the gap in the picture also fell overboard. Finally, we believe there was even a further gaffe in trying to cover up the accidental exposure, which failed when the Captain ordered the sub to dive and couldn’t figure out why it did not for over two hours. That the Canadian Navy were able to spin it into an environmental story with the concept of an EcoSub, without so much as lying one word, was brilliant! I don’t know if we could have come up with anything close to such a story, for all the marketing and spin that Disney is known for. We need to send in Jack Sparrow to do some head hunting there… in the non-violent, metaphorical sense, of course.”
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No matter which story you believe to be true, some combination thereof, or neither, there’s no doubting a Navy with as much negative press as it has had with the debacle of its submarine purchases could hardly afford to put its submarines on display like it did today, having to be carried away on another ship.

4 thoughts on “Canadian Navy Leaks Zero Emissions Eco-Submarine

  1. This story is utter bullshit. Total fictional crap. I don’t know who cobbled this togeher but they should be ashamed of themselves for doing such a lousy hatchet job. For the record. Canada has about 300 Submariners in the country, and they are without question, the best in the world. The vessel in the picture is a Victoria class diesel electric submarine, one of 4 we own and are serving us very well indeed. but to say that theyare zero ghg’s is on the face of it, nonsense, and secondly, not something we should even consider when it comes to how best to defend our coastlines and interest abroad. To say that a sub commander couldn’t figure out why his boat wouldn’t dive after two hours, is akin to saying that Silken Lauman can’t row. Gimme a break.

    • I’m the owner of this blog and I put up this post as a parody to go with the picture. I thought the Disney comment would have been enough to give it away but your emotions blinded you before you read it all. It’s not meant as a real story and there was no real story about zero emission subs. I knew it would offend some people when I put it up but I’m also smart enough to know you should live your life trying to please everybody or not to offend anybody. I’m not ashamed of it and I’m going to publicly disagree with your statement regarding “without question” the best submariners in the world. I don’t think any country’s submariners are that far ahead of another country’s to claim that “without question”. Besides, we don’t exactly have the greatest equipment going. Would you believe someone who claims they were the best pilot or the best car driver in a glider/go-kart compared to one who flies a Raptor or drives Formula 1, “without question”? And I do think our Canadian subs are junk compared to what’s available out there, and we had better do something about it if we want more say in our sovereignty claims in the Arctic. I don’t have faith the international courts would stop the greed for resources there from other countries with better navies, never mind just submarines.

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