I’m Billy Mays! And I’m here to tell you about my death! Yes! You had better believe it! I’m dead! Cause when I shout it! You had better believe it!
I got hit in the head from a piece of luggage on a flight to Tampa Bay Saturday! Yes! That’s true! But that didn’t do it! No! My head is just as strong as my voice!
I died from something else! And I’m going to give it to you in this exclusive 2 for 1 Internet special! I’m going to give you two reasons I died for the price of just one death!
I probably died of heart disease! It’s not official yet! But you take my word for it! It was something I didn’t even know I had! In fact, I didn’t even know what it was! But I have done my research! I always do my research before pawning things off to people! That’s so you won’t have to!
So don’t believe in the speculation! I died of both the heart disease and the bonk on the head! My early approval is why you should take advantage of this offer right now and “buy” it! Get it first here! Then tell your friends about it! Make them jealous you knew 6-8 weeks before the official report!
Better yet! Tell them you knew it for free! In a 2 for 1 deal! From the victim himself! Could anything be better than that!?
Of course there is! You know I never just give you a first rate deal! What’s better than that is now I’ll shut up forever! No more annoying sound bytes! No more surprisingly loud sonic booms in the middle of your favourite shows! No more second class gimmicks for first rate prices!
But don’t worry about me! My selling days are not yet done! I’m going to be selling Christianity to the Devil at my next stop! Hell’s going to be better than Heaven by the time I’ll be done with it! Cause you’ll be able to get a 2 in 1 deal there with Hell and Heaven in one place! I’ll unite the entire human civilization! Past and present! And we’ll all be one big happy family again!
Factual sources regarding Billy Mays’ death on Jun 28 2009: CNN
Flesch-Kincaid Grade Reading Level: 1.9
I know this was politically incorrect. Given how much Billy Mays has annoyed me over the years, though, this is just karma, as far as I’m concerned. But I did classify the post under the “Celebrities” category so I’ve at least given him that much respect.
Note the extremely low grade reading level in a piece that attempted to emulate his speaking style. Is it any wonder he “spoke to” so many people? When you speak at about a grade 2 level, cleverly crafting your words, even the grade 2s will apply for a credit card to buy things from you!